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  • STARR - Widow Strategy

    by Vera Franco

    Black, Grey, White Widow - From Sexual Survival to Healing Intimacy




    The term 'White Widow' is the name Possibility Management has adopted to distinguish the Box survival strategy #2 which uses sexual energy to control and manipulate the environment to make it safe. This is not bad. It is not good either. It has certain consequences.


    As a little girl you found that if you sat in daddy’s lap and squirmed around happily in certain ways… or, as a little boy you found that if you nuzzled your mom’s body, played with her hair, flirted with her, being a 'good boy' and mixing your sexual energies… you were safe and easily got almost whatever you wanted, and less abusive attention.


    Both men and women can become White Widows. The Capitalist Patriarchal Empire tends to force more women than men to take on the White Widow strategy.


    Sexual energy exchange was key to your success and it became an unconscious tool woven into your survival strategy. Now you flirt without thinking it is flirting. By exchanging subtle sexual substances with others your life seems easeful and fun, although the partners you attract also probably flirt unconsciously and this could eventually bring your own flirting to your attention.


    Your habitual sexual energy enmeshment with others is difficult to change because it first must be made conscious. The only real way to make it conscious is by completely stopping it. To succeed in stopping requires being in a transformational healing environment held with enough safety and clarity to navigate you through a year or more of liquid states not knowing who you are or how to relate with other people.


    You are no longer 18 years old. The White Widow strategy has allowed you to survive and has now become your prison. You are using this strategy with the people you love. Sexual energy exchange, enmeshment and manipulation strategies are co-opted by your Gremlin to serve Shadow Principles and this blocks you from adult intimacy. This is devastating.





    The term 'Black Widow' is the name that Possibility Management has given to the Box survival strategy of a person who has been sexually abused and has dedicated their life purpose to the shadow purpose of Revenge. Black Widows live to kill and destroy. This is an understandable, but desperate strategy.


    Being sexually abused as a child can range anywhere from your mother or a babysitter playing with your penis while changing your diaper, to your brother or an uncle sneaking into your bedroom at night and touching you or raping you. Sexual abuse creates massive confusion in your Being about who you are, who to trust, who owns your body, how to make boundaries that work, what you can tell others or must keep secret under threat of great harm, and what experiences may feel good, but also actually hurt.


    Sexual abuse forces you to engage in sexual energy interactions at an inappropriate time in your development. As a result, you direct your sexual energy talents to both protect yourself and also to obtain the most excruciating revenge possible. You
    incorporate sexually abusing others into your survival strategy. You live in your Underworld.


    A Black Widow woman typically wears skin-tight shiny-black leggings with high heels, amplifies her cleavage, and does whatever it takes to steal the attention of men in the Capitalist Patriarchal Empire and make them drool even if (especially if...) they are walking arm-in-arm with their wife. When they strut down the street or move lithely through spaces most men have already lost their center and their balls. The Black Widow uses men like a tampon, tossing them bloody into the gutter after use.


    A Black Widow woman also uses sexual energy towards other women, charming them into thinking they are on the same team while secretly competing with them. The Black Widow woman will gather any evidence to kill and destroy other women and "win" the man.


    The Black Widow condition is unfortunately rather final. Black Widows do not come to personal development trainings because they believe that getting revenge is all that they have to live for. They are so completely identified with the Black Widow survival strategy that they are afraid nothing else is possible. There is no ground for the Being to stand on, so initiatory processes do not work. Gremlin runs their life and will not sacrifice vengeance as its food.





    Because there was unconscious sexual energy around you as a child you incorporate it into your survival strategy to a high degree but you do not dedicate your life to revenge. You do not hate the opposite sex. People spot you a mile away as sexually attractive.


    They want to use you in advertising films, or to take photos of you to look at later for masturbating. People may not be able to resist looking at you. Strangers may compliment your eyes, your smile, or your laughter as a way to get your attention because even if you just glance at them it is almost enough to cause an orgasm. You may be using sex and flirtation as a way to keep your job, to keep your partner around, and to transform possible aggressors by insinuating “if you are nice to me you might get sex from me.” It works so well that sexual energy becomes a predominant characteristic of your life. You may find yourself working in some part of the entertainment or fashion industry where sexual energy is the “coin of the realm” even if your Being might have other interests.


    In the case of a woman Grey Widow, she does not feel safe unless she is the sex goddess of the group. If the men don't bow down to her, she does not know how to interact with them. If other women come along, it is a "kill or compete" situation.


    The Grey Widow is more human than a Black Widow but can eat White Widows for breakfast. It is the in-between case. A Grey Widow who longs for authentic life may attend personal development trainings, but need either a lot of courage or a lot of despair because learning to live without the defense strategy is a huge sacrifice.









  • Sexual Energy

    Who are you pretending to fool?

    You have spent your entire life weaving sticky webs of sexual energy to trap members of the opposite sex. This way, you stay in control. You stay safe. You manipulate to create relationship spaces based on survival.


    Has it been long enough?


    Sexual energy is not good or bad. Your sexual energy is also your life energy, your creative energy. Once you wake up to the destruction left in the wake of your unconscious psychic sex, you can start consciously serving something greater than yourself.









  • Psychic Sex

    Nobody ever told us these things before. 

    Nobody ever explained what is going on with psychic sex, and what happens because of it.

    You can choose to keep pretending or you can choose to start becoming aware of your involvement with psychic sex.

    Not that you will necessarily be able to do anything about it for a while.

    But it is good to know. Then you can start checking for yourself.

    You Already Know

    At the level of your body's knowledge, you already know everything I am going to say about psychic sex.

    That does not matter. If you are anything like most of us, you have not yet been willing to own at a conscious level what your body already knows – and for a very good reason. Once you become aware of the depth to which you are involved in psychic sex, it can ruin your day.

    Psychic sex. If you are not consciously not doing it, then you are doing it unconsciously. 


    It has nothing to do with Right and Wrong


    The consideration of psychic sex has nothing to do with interpretations of right and wrong, or good and bad – psychic sex is not a moral issue. We are not speaking about “should” or “should not.” Psychic sex is about physics. The laws of psychic sex become significant as soon as you discover that what you thought was almost nothing in fact leaves a long-lasting, powerful, energetic residue – a stain on your psychic bed sheets, so to speak. You take notice of psychic sex as soon as you feel the depth to which psychic sex entangles you with other people.


    The Advantages of Psychic Sex

    • We can do psychic sex in public and be “invisible,” because everybody else is also doing it and nobody is talking about it. We all have made an unspoken agreement to look the other way.
    • There is no physical proof! No lipstick smudges or perfume residue, no stains.
    • There is no danger of pregnancy.
    • We can do it with almost anybody, anywhere, anytime, even in our dreams.
    • There is no chance of contracting dangerous venereal diseases or AIDS.
    • It is quick. No foreplay necessary. Success is almost guaranteed. Failure is not a problem.
    • In the moment we are doing it, it feels fantastic. It is very rewarding to the Box.

    The Devastation of Psychic Sex

    You don't realize it, but your casual involvement with other is actually psychic sex. These interactions are so common personally and so rampant culturally that until you understand what is actually going on it goes almost unnoticed.
    When you become sensitive enough, unwanted psychic sexual interactions are suddenly experienced as an interference in your life, perhaps even as contamination. Only at that point will you be motivated to make the sacrifices and efforts necessary to shift your behaviour. Only when you know the true costs will you willingly suffer the discomforts of changing your unconscious habits.
    It will gradually dawn on you that you have been unconsciously or semi-consciously exchanging energetic sexual “substances” with members of the opposite sex (or possibly of the same sex) – a momentary glance, a shared smile – for almost as long as you can remember. These exchanges create tentacles of energetic leakage into other people's space. When you let someone else's tentacle into your energetic space, it is almost impossible to get rid of.
    The seeming innocence of a momentary glance will vanish when you experience what you are truly creating for yourself and others. Shared smiles will take on a devastating implication. No longer will the fleeting fantasy of full or partial nakedness leave such a sweet after-taste upon your nervous system. When you start to feel the true impact of psychic sex in your life, it can be a shattering realization. Things will no longer stay the same.

  • What is Psychic Sex?

    broken image

    Think back and remember the last time you were strolling along a shopping mall or through the center of town. Part of your mind was occupied with thinking about what you intend to accomplish, whether it is window shopping for shoes, or remembering to pick up a bottle of shampoo.


    Though most of your conscious attention may be involved in these intellectual considerations, a deeper and more broad-band “animal” part of your mind is scanning the environment for a possible partner with whom to exchange sexual substances. Unless you consciously stop scanning the sex channel, it happens automatically. Unless you intentionally override the program, it proceeds to unerringly complete its designed purposes.


    You notice when someone else notices you. Others notice when you notice them. If the mutual noticing of each other, which can occur in an instant, reveals a ripeness of conditions, then shhwinggg, the deal is done. It is a momentary zzzztt through the eyes. Briefly imagined possibilities flit through the imagination, and it is accomplished.


    You know what I am talking about.

    Psychic Sex Is An Addiction.

    Addiction comes from a lack of connection.

    The White Widow strategy prevents you from authentic nurishing connection. It is a self-perpetuating circle, until you put a monkey wrench in the gears.

  • Johann Hari - Everything you think you know about addiction is wrong

  • Owning Your White Widow:

    If you do not own your survival strategy, your survival strategy owns you.

    No one can do this for you. No one can stop you from doing this. You get to choose.

    It is your life, after all, your relationships, your capacity to love and be loved, your level of intimacy and authenticity.



    Identifying as a White Widow

    If you want to own your survival strategy, start by admitting to yourself the horror and the pain of what you are doing to yourself and your relationships. Write down in detail how your Gremlin exchanges sexual energy. How it thrives on destroying adult intimacy by flirting and smiling and being nice. Go through the emotional healing processes necessary to find out when you started using this strategy. Explain in excruciating detail to your friends and family what being a White Widow means and how it works. 
    After researching for at least 3 months, enter your Matrix Code.


    Stop All Intimate Interaction

    For a period of 1-2 years, stop all intimate interactions. Yes, all of them. There is no way around this.

    This means: not looking into people's eyes (especially people of the opposite sex); no flirting; no sexual jokes; no suggestive touch; no psychic sex (read painfully slowly the section about Psychic Sex); and so on.

    This is difficult because in a short time you will notice your addiction to your automatic sexual energy enmeshment and control behaviours. It helps to write them down as precisely as you can, and admit them each week in your Possibility Team.

    Be clear about the practices that you are doing as part of this experiment. Write down the intimate interactions that you are refraining from doing. Every White Widow experiment is different.



    Find Intimacy in New Context

    This experiment is a life-long practice designed to create clarity and choice. It is not about cutting yourself off from your sexual energy, but about circulating the energy within your 5 bodies. 
    After you have built and stabilized in a new identity and self-experience that does not have your clever sexual energy exchange behaviours at its center, you will find that authentic intimacy is possible in an entirely new Context. This is the Context of Radical Responsibility and Living, rather than avoiding Responsibility and Survival.
    Explore the Intimacy Journeyers website for more information.


    Use Your Energetic Awareness in Service

    By identifying yourself as a White Widow, stopping all intimate interaction and finding intimacy in a new context, you will wake up to the inconceivable amount of creative energy that you have for your projects. After A WHILE, you might notice that you still retain the subtle energy-awareness talents you developed to become a White Widow. This energetic awareness is there as a tool that you can use consciously for enjoyment and pleasures, and probably also as part of your skillset needed to deliver the healing and transformational services of your Archetypal Lineage. It is up to you to discover what that looks like.


    Do not let your Gremlin use the White Widow experiment described above as food.

    Your Underworld is not bad or wrong. Underworld is Underworld.


    The intensity of enmeshment is NOT the intensity of authentic Being to Being connection. As a White Widow, you are used to the intensity of sexual energy exchange, enmeshment, giving your center away, and so on. You get into people's space, you let people into your space and your Gremlin loves it. This kind of intimacy reaches a particularly high level of intensity. We see it with Romeo and Juliet: this is what Modern Culture depicts as intimacy. It is insane.


    Once you start the "White Widow Experiment" for 1-2 years and stop all sexual energy exchanges, you will enter a Gap of Boring. This is the Gap between the intensity of enmeshment and the intensity of adult intimacy. You are healing from the damages of not having integrity in your energetic body. During this period of time called the Gap of Boring, your Gremlin will find all sorts of clever ways to turn this experiment into a feeding frenzy.


    For example: your Gremlin can use this experiment as an excuse to isolate yourself from people around you. It can cut you off from your sexual energy, instead of circulating it in all 5 bodies. Gremlin might make this experiment into a rule so that you feel guilty when you speak to a person of the opposite sex during this experiment, even if only for logistics.


    This Gap can last for 3 to 12 months. During this time, it is important that you have clarity about which intimate interactions you are refraining from doing, and which replacement practices you are engaging in. These practices will be different for everyone. It is important to have clarity about your Gremlin, what it is doing and to give it entertaining jobs to do to help you on your path of evolution. Otherwise, your Gremlin will lash out and the experiment will not go anywhere.

  • How to know that you are a White Widow?

    Whether you are wondering if you, your partner or a total stranger is a White Widow, the procedure is the same.


    For Female White Widow

    A White Widow sits across from the authority figure in a training, course, workshop, classroom, ... Often legs or mouth open circulating the sexual energy between her and the authority figure.


    A White Widow always surrounds herself with 3,4,5,6 men around at a party. She drinks from their glasses and offers her glass for them to drink from it. She dances with every man she decides to be attractive to - whether they are in a relationship and the woman is in the room or not.


    A White Widow imperceptibly and regularly touches men, their elbows, their arms, their waist when passing by them or sitting next to them at a dinner party.


    A female White Widow wears cleavage, see-through top, short skirts, high heels, skin tight pant, red lipsticks and such.


    A White Widow uses any tactic she can to attract men's attention: being late, asking irrelevant questions, making side comments, any excuses to come talk to the teacher at the end of the lesson, or the boss at the end of the day.


    A White Widow usually do not have authentic friendship either with men or with women. Their friendship with men is ambiguous, which confuses their male friends. Withe Widow will often find themselves in situation where their male friends have 'fallen in love' with them. White Widow sends two contradictory messages: one full of sexual energy attracting the man in her web, the other, intellectual says 'I just want to be friends'. Male friends usually go away confused or stick around and let themselves be played with.


    Their friendship with women is ambiguous. White Widows usually have some women friends that are not White Widows. The competition for male attention between White Widows is fierce. White Widows betray, triangulate, gossip to undermine any other woman in their way. White Widows have for goal to attract all masculine energy; how do you think their girlfriends take it?


    For Male White Widow

    coming soon and read A Story of Convalescence below

  • A Story of Convalescence

    Dear Clinton,
    This letter might come as a surprise to you. Well, I just felt the urge to send these lines to you and share some of my insights and experiences of the last few months.
    But let me start from the beginning (which, looking back, was rather like an end). It was about two years ago. I participated in your training (it must have been my sixth or seventh training), and, maybe you remember, my process was about my stories going on with women and sex. It was my toughest and most persistent and lasting process so far. When after an eternity the training was finally over, it didn’t feel like any “endings” I experienced before. Before, [after a training] there was always this relief, a new vision, a clarity, something got healed. This time I felt like I’d been annihilated. I felt so miserable that I wasn’t even able to drive home. Fortunately another man stayed with me and took over the job of driving the car.
    During the next 2-3 months, although still feeling miserable, I did as you suggested: I didn’t connect in any way with women, neither women-friends I knew from before nor the unknown woman at the counter of a shop. No eye contact, nothing! It felt horrible, but I somehow knew that that was the only right thing to do. Somehow, that was the easy part, the logical understandable steps on the way. The difficult, frightening part of it was that this process scattered my whole life-plan, my whole story, a story about me, which I thought so far was true and more or less ok! This identity was gone, completely, only some fragments left here and there. I was in a big despair, in the middle of a nightmare: the old identity didn’t work anymore, most of it wasn’t even there anymore, and besides that, there was just this void. During these months I hated you. I was convinced, that you had made a big mistake, that you had gone too far, that you lost all respect and in a sadistic way enjoyed “killing” me. As a result I decided to never do another training, to look for something nice and gentle. I quit my long-term training program and withdrew from my spiritual path.
    So far this was a description of my internal emotional process. What happened on the outside is that I really was not able anymore to live the way I did before. During my process you said: “Mister, the game is over!” I didn’t get it then, but I got it much, much later! The women / sex – game was (and still is) definitely over!
    During the 18 months afterwards, it was like a pendulum had swung from one extreme to the opposite extreme. I didn’t have any contact at all in the first few months, then slowly started to meet women once in awhile, but still staying very distanced and cautious. I really began to think that this was going to be my new style of life: the u-turn from the womanizer I used to be into a monk.
    Now, in August 2001, things are different again. The pendulum found a balance! I’m in love with a wonderful woman. We met about 9 months ago for the first time, then met maybe every second week in the beginning, both being very cautious and respectful. By now we meet nearly daily, and, this really sounds incredible, since about a week or so we hold hands once in a while. Two years ago this idea of a very slow, gentle approach was just not part of my imagination. It was about going to bed with a woman as fast as possible, and then (maybe) starting to get to know the person.
    It’s the complete opposite now. We talk and talk for hours, have wonderful walks in nature, and we just are both so fully nurtured with that. There’s nothing missing! It’s so beautiful. I feel like a 14-year old adolescent, being in love with a girl for the first time.
    Only now, looking back, I realize how fucked up in relation to relationship, women, and intimacy I was. I am so grateful that things have changed into such a positive way. And I must admit, it’s thanks to you. You were the midwife of this much saner person I am now! No one else had the courage, the knowledge, the strength and the stubbornness to beat “me” with such a heavy club. With “me” I talk about all my destructive, egoistic, hurting, isolating mechanisms going on. I really feel like I am being healed on a very deep level. Like for the first time I can see what intimacy really means. I’m so grateful and happy you’ve shown up in my life and hit me so hard. It was absolutely necessary, and who knows, without your smack, I would probably still be on this very self-destructive track.
    By the way, two months ago I finished my long-term training (with a little delay), I joined another training in spring, and I joined a men’s group again! I am also much closer again to my spiritual path.
    I am looking forward to see you again some day. With deepest respect,

  • White Widow Experiments

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    Matrix Code: WHITEWID.05

    Everyone has a personal Bubble of space. Your Bubble is an energetic distinction between your energy, your space, and other people's energy and space. In Modern Culture, most people walk around with no awareness of their own Bubble, of other people's Bubble, or they go without a Bubble. This creates tons of energetic messes that most people do not notice.
    A man and a woman come together, two White Widows, with no awareness of their Bubble or the other's Bubble. The male White Widow walks up close to the woman, straight into her Bubble without her noticing it or saying anything. He owns her; she feels safe. The opposite also happens: the woman walks straight into the man's Bubble, and owns him. These energetic messes manifest themselves in enmeshment and codependency. These are vampire-feeding relationships based on survival.
    The purpose of this experiment is to have the experiential distinction of your Bubble.
    For 3 days, pay attention to how you place yourself in other people's space, and how people try to get into your space. Notice with whom you do not have this spatial boundary. This means that you are enmeshed. Notice when you let people in without saying anything, and the sensation that arises. Write down what you discover in your Beep! Book, and immediately start working on the next experiment.
    broken image


    Matrix Code: WHITEWID.06

    A sentence or two describing this item. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit, sed diam nonummy nibh euismod tincidunt ut laoreet.
    broken image


    Matrix Code: WHITEWID.06

    As for any other survival strategy, if someone around you is using their Box on you or using you for Gremlin food, it is up to you to say "Stop". 
    One word: boundaries. And distinctions. Distinctions are more powerful than boundaries... and sometimes boundaries are necessary. Stop is a boundary. Say "stop" whenever somebody starts using their unconscious sexual energy on you, no matter if you notice it in the middle of a conversation, in the middle of the street, in the middle of a meeting or a dinner party. This is your life, your friendship, and your sanity. Consider that saying stop might be the biggest service you could do for them. They might have been waiting since they were a child to have that boundary.
    When someone tries to get into your space or use sexual energy with you by flirting and smiling even if they are not glad, say: "Stop, it is enough. Your survival strategy is not working on me. I want to be friends (or partner) with you, not with your survival strategy. I want to discover your authentic self. I am not available for inauthentic connection. Thank you for listening. Talk to me when you are ready for something different."
    broken image


    Matrix Code: WHITEWID.07

    That is another boundary, a physical one. It applies only for women towards men. A loud voice is usually enough to wake up a woman to her action. It is proven to not be enough for a man to wake up. Prove me wrong.
    When a man touches you or makes a patriarchal offer: twist one of his fingers or break his nose. It brings him straight to the present moment. Don't say anything and run.
    You can practice by breaking carrots.




    Your Box and your Gremlin will always be White Widow.

    It's up to you to use it consciously.